My cat brings me a key to a vault. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico. Sometimes The Thoughts In My Head Get So Bored They Go Out For A Stroll Through My Mouth This Is Rarely A Good Thing Shirt. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

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The joke is that animals think I taste like peanut butter. In death valley, we all took off our shoes and socks for some floor exercises on a ring sized mat inside a church revival size tent (in 120-degree weather). Sometimes The Thoughts In My Head Get So Bored They Go Out For A Stroll Through My Mouth This Is Rarely A Good Thing Shirt. At the end of the exercises, fire ants had swarmed my socks. Nobody else’s, just mine. I love cats (although I don’t have any myself), but I love wild birds too. We currently have robin fledglings in our garden, and the neighborhood cats can hear them chirping for their parents. I have been keeping watch in the early mornings and late evenings with a little water pistol, to chase cats out of the garden. I hope the fledglings learn to fly soon. It is stressing both the adult robins and myself out!

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At my last house there was a cat door and my male cat, who spent his first 3 years indoors, started creeping out into the yard. He would go out in the middle of the night and bring in insects. Sometimes The Thoughts In My Head Get So Bored They Go Out For A Stroll Through My Mouth This Is Rarely A Good Thing Shirt. Have you ever heard a pissed off cicada? That shit is loud. Especially at 2 am. Another night it was in the early hours, the cat jumps into our bed and all of a sudden my husband jumped and said he felt something on his face. I turned on the light and found one of those giant ass luna moths. It was a gift. You could try a roll bar. They aren’t terribly hard to DIY. You install it on the top of the fence and then when animals try to jump up it spins. Since they can’t get purchase they just fall back down.

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